shut up, crime!

Backwards head lady 4 living car cube

Wanna see her grind all up on that

I can’t decide if the new Torchwood is really good or really bad. All I know is that I love it. Here are some things:

• Jilly Kitzinger needs a spin-off where she makes downtrodden businesswomen successful through makeovers and lessons in being a cunt. She strikes me as the type to have a “Hang in there!” kitty photo on her iPhone for when times get tough.
• Bill Pullman writhing in ecstacy to a cheering crowd makes me feel sick. I might be mistaking his constant head jerking and face pulling for good acting, but whatever, he plays the murdering child molester thing well. I wonder if he’s a method actor…
• What is the point in The Soulless? A huge cult wanders the streets in masks and Gwen pretty much shrugs them off. Who could even manage to mass-produce those masks and organise a candle lit vigil in like, two days? Well apart from Jilly Kitzinger. 
• Literally just been told The Soulless are in the background of every episode? DA FUQ. There are so many mysterious groups that I don’t know what’s going on.
• Ominously spinning triangle, you’re so ominous when you spin. I’d prefer the “Ah ah ah! You didn’t say the magic word!” animation from Jurassic Park to pop up though. Ah ah ah, we are always. Ah ah ah, we are no-one.
• Is that Jurassic Park guy even still in the show? There are so many characters.
• When is Jack actually going to tell Esther and Rex that he’s mad old? Shit is getting tedious. If I hear Esther say “JaCk WhY dO u KeEp sAyInG ThIngS lYk ThAt?” one more time I will climb through the screen and smack her ditzy face. 
• Backwards head woman and car cube lady OTP.

Project Runway hasn’t even started and I’ve already got a favourite. This American Gothic bitch.

“Before we started I was asked who would be your ideal cast over there, and amongst a few was the entire cast of Six Feet Under because I’m the biggest fan in the world, and lo and behold there was the beautiful Lauren Ambrose and I literally turned into an absolute berk the entire time I was with her. I was just like this [she stares with wide eyes]. She did actually say to me once “You don’t use your lips much, do you?” It’s because I was frozen with fear and love for her! I was like, ‘Pull it together, Myles. They’re gonna find you out!’ I had a million questions to ask her about Six Feet Under but I thought ‘Stop it Welsh girl, stop your nonsense. They are gonna call an injuction out on you.’ so I snapped out of it after about three scenes, and by then she was totally freaked out by me and wanted nothing to do with me, so it went well!”

— Eve Myles (video here)

“SO WE’VE GOT BASICALLY A RUSSIAN ARTIFICIAL LIMB HERE ABOVE THE KNEE WHICH GIVES AN INDICTATION OF THE SIZE OF THE ACTUAL HUMAN PROSTHESIS THAT I ACTUALLY NORMALLY WORK WITH. HERE IS A LIMB OF A HONEY BUZZARD.”

Special Needs Pets is so full of crazy it’s hard to believe that it’s real. There’s a rabbit in a home-made wheelchair, a dog who uses a stairlift, a parrot that masturbates on a woman’s head, a depressed parrot that shits directly into camera, and a cat that has to have poo physically squeezed out of it by hand.

The people in it are weirder. This man above makes animal limbs, lives near me and is my future boyfriend. (“If we could travel back in time I’d be able to make a limb for a large Brachiosaurus”) A woman who makes animal nappies has a framed picture in her house that says “Incontinent dog?”. My favourite though is Sue (“Sue never married or had children. She has lived her Mother all of her life.”) who manages to be more depressing than a disabled dog.

I’m gonna miss United States of Tara so much.

DON’T YOU KNOW ALL MY LIFE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR A BEST FRIEND (IN DUBAI)?

Has anyone else seen this shit? Of course not, seeing as this was literally the best quality image I could find of the logo. SPOILER ALERT: The overweight one who looks like she makes her own clothes wins. MARTA WAS ROBBED.

themorallycorruptfayeresnick:

The lovechild of Sloth and Tommy Wiseau just used “totes” in an unironic sentence whilst discussing polo plans in the Hamptons. Made in Chelsea is by far the worst reality show ever broadcast.

He constantly asks people if they’re imagining him shirtless and it makes me feel sick. Amber is the biggest cunt on the whole thing though. She looks like Joss Stone’s disabled siamese twin.

Who has the sexier TV husband? I dunno, I just do not know. I want to see a crossover episode where Max and Kevin make confused, angry love to each other.